How Romantic Relationships Get Started

 

Last night, you went to bed sad and lonely because it’s been forever since you were in a relationship that thrilled you, satisfied you and filled you with joy. Maybe you cried yourself to sleep. Maybe you went out drinking. Maybe you stayed in and ate ice cream to drown out your feelings.

The next morning, you realize whatever you did didn’t work; those feelings are still there. However, you now have to ignore them because you have to go to work.

On your way there, you stop for coffee at a different Starbucks than usual because you took a different route to work. While on line, you became mesmerized by ‘The Object of Your Desire.’ He’s tall, muscular, handsome and confident. You can feel his energy five people away. (She’s beautiful, shapely, smells great and has a twinkle in her eye, though she hasn’t noticed you yet.)
You lock eyes – suddenly and unexpectedly. You felt the connection almost before your eyes met. You demurely look away, sensing that he’s as interested as you are. (She smiled at you before she realized she was staring at you. She looked away first because you couldn’t stop looking at her if your life depended on it – you’re frozen in awe!)

As you’re adding stuff to your espresso, you look for him again, trying hard to not let him catch you looking. He couldn’t help but notice because he hasn’t stopped staring at you yet. He smilingly nods at you. Unconsciously, you smile back. “That Feeling” is now in full effect. (Man, you KNOW she’s feeling you, right? Her smile went right THROUGH you!)

You linger at the condiments area, hoping he comes over to fix his coffee and talk to you. (You’re hoping she stays there long enough for you to get your coffee from the cashier and go say something to her.) When he finally gets there, you can’t bear to look at him but you hope he says something – ANYTHING – to you! (She’s so awesome, you can’t stop mentally role-playing things to say so she’ll like you.) He says, “Good morning. Let me guess – cappuccino, right?” You want him to win so you say, “Lucky guess – you listen in on everyone’s conversations with cashiers or only the ladies?” (Yes – I was right! I really like her!)

As the conversation continues, you forget what time it is, last night’s loneliness – heck, you even forgot you’re not at your regular Starbucks because you’re feeling this man! You’re playing with your hair, facing him full on and can’t stop smiling. (You’re in the zone now – cracking jokes, teasing her and looking directly into her sparkling eyes. Your chest is pumped and you feel like The Man!)

Just before he takes out his iPhone and asks for your number, he touches your arm to pause the conversation and gets slightly serious. You’re grateful he did because you just remembered you’re almost late for work. (She said YES! There’s no stopping you now! Next thing you know, you’re having lunch with her, then dinner – the possibilities are endless!) As you both leave Starbucks, you notice that you’re going in the same direction. You’re walking in stride together, finishing each others’ sentences. It feels like magic. (What a woman! That felt so natural – I have GOT to see her again!)

The above story happens every day all over the world. However, if you could read between the lines in this story, you’ll notice some things that can help you take advantage of your next romantic opportunity.

Successful first meetings consist of a particular sequence of events:

• Body Language Cue 
• Verbal Contact 
• Body Alignment 
• Touch 
• Synchronicity 

Let’s look at these closely.

Body Language Cue: “You lock eyes – suddenly and unexpectedly. You felt the connection almost before your eyes met. You demurely look away, sensing that he’s as interested as you are. (She smiles at you before she realizes she’s staring at you but couldn’t help herself. She looks away first because you can’t stop looking at her if your life depended on it – you’re frozen in awe!)”

Eye contact is almost always the non verbal signal you’ll both give and receive. Don’t just look in amazement; look to see if “The Object of Your Desire” is amazed as well. Stay present.

Verbal Contact: “He says, “Good morning. Let me guess – cappuccino, right?” You want him to win so you say, “Lucky guess – you listen in on everyone’s conversations with cashiers or only the ladies?” (Yes – I was right! I really like her!)”

After all that time, all he could think of was ask what was she drinking? That’s the best he could come up with?

YES – AND IT DIDN’T MATTER!

The fact that he actually said something was enough, as long as it wasn’t harsh, mean or negative. You can say something about your environment, interesting things in the news, an article of clothing (not physical features) or ask for support like directions or something like that. Humor can be sketchy; it’s better to be witty than tell jokes but get them laughing as much as possible.

Body Alignment: “You’re playing with your hair, facing him full on and can’t stop smiling. (You’re in the zone now – cracking jokes, teasing her and looking her directly in her sparkling eyes. Your chest is pumped and you feel like The MAN!)”

When two people are attracted to each other, so are their bodies. In fact, their bodies take charge, doing what it feels like doing: paying full attention to “The Object of Its Desire.” It causes you to give the other body your full attention, directly facing your new friend. However, even if there’s amazing chemistry, if either of you hesitate at this stage, the other party will subconsciously interpret it as rejection, lack of interest or chemistry.

At this point, don’t listen to your head; listen to your body! Your mind will create doubt but your body will be leading the charge.

Touch: “Just before he takes out his iPhone and asks for your number, he touches your arm to pause the conversation and gets slightly serious. You’re grateful he did because you just remembered you’re almost late for work. (She said YES! There’s no stopping me now! Next thing you know, we’re having lunch together, then dinner – the possibilities are endless!)”

Subconsciously, your body wants to know that the touch of the other is pleasing and that they enjoy your touch as well. If things are going well by this stage, someone’s hand will touch someone’s arm or hand. If that goes well, the situation escalates; if it doesn’t, things crash right there.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about it unless the medical community improves its skin graft technology. Touch is completely impersonal. You have no control over it, so don’t feel bad when there’s no chemistry. You’re not at fault and there’s nothing wrong with either of you. Either choose to be friends or consider what just happened practice.

Synchronicity: “As you both leave Starbucks, you notice that you’re going in the same direction. You’re walking in stride together, finishing each others’ sentences. It feels like magic. (What a woman! That felt so natural – I have GOT to see her again!)”

Your body went from wondering if there’s chemistry to wondering if you’re similar. This synchronization process almost always goes unnoticed but if you don’t go with it, you and your new friend will feel “out of step” with each other. However, you don’t need to do anything about it. You could just let it happen on its own.

In conclusion, you could study Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnosis, Pick-Up Artist Techniques or whatever you want. However, if you internalize the above information, you’ll fully understand how the attraction sequence works and you’ll know how to work with it whenever it presents itself.

When you really know the rules of a game, how can you not eventually win?

Tony Vear is a coach specializing in relationships, communication and personal development